Billie Lourd is paying tribute to her mother, Carrie Fisher, in a deeply honest Instagram post, saying that grief "is never simple."
Fisher died at age 60 on Dec. 27, 2016, after suffering a heart attack, and every year since, Lourd has honored her mother's memory on the anniversary of her death. This year Lourd admitted she is still going through the phases of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — and admitted to having a tough time processing it.
"People always ask me what stage of grief I’m in. And my answer is never simple," she captioned a throwback photo of herself as a child holding a Koala bear with Fisher. "I’m in a different stage of grief in each moment of every day.
"My grief is a multicourse meal with many complicated ingredients. An amuse bouche of bargaining followed by an anger appetizer with a side of depression, acceptance for the entree and of course a little denial for dessert."
Lourd added, "that’s how grief should be — all things all at once — actually there is no 'should' in grief — grief just is whatever it is for you, and that is how it 'should be.'"
She concluded her post by spelling out "I miss you momby" with emojis.
In honor of Fisher, Lourd also posted a video of herself singing Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide" alongside her “Booksmart” co-star Kaitlyn Dever and Mady Dever.
"It has been 5 years since my Momby died (I don’t like to say lost — it makes it sound like I could find her like I find my car in a parking lot when I don’t remember where I parked it — I always find my car — I can’t find my Mom)," she captioned the video.
Lourd recalled the song playing loudly in the living room when she was a child as her mother "scribbled her marvelous manic musings on yellow legal pads." One night after the death of Fisher Lourd said she heard the song playing and the lyrics, which are about being afraid to change after building a life around a person, spoke to her.
"I didn’t know who to be or what to do after my mom died. I was afraid of changing because I had built my life around her. Then she was gone. And I had to rebuild my life without her. And it wasn’t (and still isn’t) easy," Lourd wrote. "But time has made me bolder. I never stop missing her but I have gotten stronger with each passing year. And if you’re going through something similar time will make you bolder too."