'Just Looking' at Romantic Alternatives Can Be Beyond Harmful
Think "just looking" is harmless? If you are in a committed relationship, think again.
Some partners claim that they don’t mind their significant others "just looking" at relational alternatives.
Yet even if some partners believe that is true, which is unlikely a majority view, the reality is there is usually no such thing as just looking.
Looking is the first step, leading to thinking, planning, or worse.
Research suggests that considering extra-relational options leads to ambivalence, which can predict a breakup.
Romantic Ambivalence and Relational Alternatives
Giulia Zoppolat et al. (2022) in a piece entitled "Mixed and Conflicted," examined the intersection between romantic ambivalence and attractive relational alternatives.
They acknowledge the challenge of maintaining romantic relationships, including the desire to maintain positive(ibid.) feelings toward a partner.
They note that despite best intentions, partners may experience relational ambivalence —described as mixed and conflicting feelings over time, which can have serious negative consequences.
Zoppolat et al. (supra) explored how what they describe as extradyadic desire — feelings for someone other than a partner, a common challenge within monogamous relationships, creates romantic ambivalence.
They found that desire for an attractive romantic alternative increased ambivalence toward a current partner above and beyond perceived partner value, creating both short and long-term adverse consequences for personal and relational well-being.
Yet not every attractive extra-relational contact threatens a relationship.
Zoppolat et al. (supra) noted that although most people could identify an attractive alternative in their life, it was the desire for the romantic alternative, rather than merely their presence, that more strongly enhanced ambivalence.
Ambivalence Creates Relational Destabilization and Dissolution
Zoppolat et al. (supra) note that even when partners are motivated to stay together, the allure of attractive alternatives can destabilize relationships through creating ambivalence.
Using daily diary entries as well as longitudinal data, their research found that desire for attractive alternatives led partners to also feel more ambivalent or conflicted about their current romantic partner as well as the relationship in general.
They also found that increased relational ambivalence created lower relationship and life satisfaction outcomes, combined with increasing thoughts of break-up and stress on a daily basis as well as over longer periods of time.
But there are ways to protect relationships from the aversion of ambivalence.
Ambivalence-Proof Relationships: Saving Solutions
One of the best ways to affair-proof a committed relationship is to avoid temptation.
Most couples know instinctively there is no positive outcome for one partner to intentionally venture out into an atmosphere of relational alternatives such as a singles bar, bachelor party, or other event geared toward drinking and socializing with strangers.
Ambivalence research adds to this commonsense approach, corroborating the need to strengthen partner resolve to prevent the presence of attractive alternatives from becoming objects of distraction or desire to begin with.
Such alternatives will always exist within social circles both personally and professionally, there is no upside to seeking to cultivate those relationships further, which would only increase potential problems.
In the long run, couples who place fidelity first appreciate the value of a committed relationship and seek to protect it through avoiding extra-relational pursuit and prioritizing personal interaction of loving kindness and respect.
This article was originally published in Psychology Today and is used with the permission of the author.
Wendy L. Patrick, JD, MDiv, Ph.D., is an award-winning career trial attorney and media commentator. She is host of "Live with Dr. Wendy" on KCBQ, and a daily guest on other media outlets, delivering a lively mix of flash, substance, and style. Read Dr. Wendy L. Patrick's Reports — More Here.