How to Handle Family Conflict During the Holidays

‘Tis the season to be jolly but the reality is that nearly nine in 10 adults Americans say that they experience increased stress during the holiday season. The main source of anxiety centers around economics, with over half of people surveyed worried about buying gifts and affording holidays meals. Next on the list are family dynamics, with 37% of people polled by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) admitting that they expect unpleasant challenges with family during the holidays.

Holiday gatherings are supposed to be filled with joy, love, and laughter. But when family members get together the celebrations may deteriorate into epic discord. However, according to Harvard Health, you don’t have to get drawn into arguments if you are prepped and primed for potential triggers.

Justin Gillis, a family therapist at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Mass., says that in many ways the holidays provide a perfect storm for bickering. “It’s a stressful time. Buying gifts can lead to financial worries,” he explains. “The weather is colder. Days are darker. We’re trying to juggle work and get time off.

“The holidays can also elicit painful memories or make us face unfortunate realities in our lives, such as a lack of family or close support,” adds Gillis. As a result, we may become more emotionally vulnerable, which impacts our judgment and behavior. Alcohol can also play a role in triggering holiday arguments. In a 2021 survey from the American Addiction Centers, 57% of 3,400 respondents said they had at least one family member who becomes argumentative at holiday gatherings after drinking too much, says Harvard Health.

Here's how to help defuse arguments:

• Set a time limit. Gillis says that if you are hosting an event, set a time limit so that guests will know what time the festivities are over. Stick to the plan, so you can end the gathering on a high note.

• Rehearse phrases of deflection. If you know that family members may ask questions or make statements that will lead to conflict, prepare yourself. “Make a statement acknowledging the person’s feelings and letting them know it is best for topics to change,” says Gillis. An example would be to say, “I appreciate your thoughts, but let’s talk about something we can agree upon or share.”

• Don’t take the bait. If an argument is brewing, you can still take steps to defuse the situation. Change the subject or inject a little humor. If someone asks a loaded question like, “I suppose you voted for that candidate,” you can deflect by saying, “Let’s talk about the Bruins instead,” and change the subject.

• Let curiosity replace curses. According to Readers Digest, passion and politeness are not mutually exclusive — even when politics are concerned. Muster up the courage to understand — not lecture — the person you are disagreeing with. You can respond with respectful curiosity every time you’re faced with an opinion you don’t share. Remember that we don’t know all the facts, all the time.

• Remember why you are there. The goal of the holiday gathering is to celebrate each other’s company and not to solve painful or controversial issues. “It’s the holiday, it doesn’t have to be the day when everyone puts their cards on the table to work out problems,” says Gillis. “Make it festive and enjoyable so you can feel that you have created a pleasant memory together.”