Yes, Romance Can Be Rekindled
Breaking up is hard to do, but reconciliation happens.
Frequently.
Yet there are signs an ex-partner will re-enter your life.
What accounts for the desire to reconcile? In addition to many reasons ranging from true love to loneliness, one reason is the anxiety and uncertainty some recently separated partners feel when suddenly single.
Predictions of Romantic Relationship Renewal
Most couples hope that love is forever, yet their relationships are not. When couples "take breaks," cyclical dating patterns can create dissatisfaction and anxiety.
In a study entitled "What Keeps Partners Coming Back?"
René M. Dailey et al. found that some partners found that an on-off cycle improved their relationships. This occurred when there were other positive predictors such as lingering feelings and not dating others while separated.
When studying relationship dissolution, however, Dailey et al. (ibid.) found that mutual initiations of breakups were linked to a decreased chance of renewal.
But many breakups are not mutually desired, and are linked to a temporary emotional, situational, financial, or other circumstance being experienced by one partner.
Accordingly, research reveals some of the factors that determine whether romance is over, or only on hold.
Blurred Boundaries or Better Together?
Morgan A. Cope and Brent A. Mattingly (2021) in "Putting Me Back Together by Getting Back Together" examined how post-dissolution self-concept predicts romantic reconciliation.
Because research suggests that dissolution decreases self-concept clarity, prompting negative emotion, they sought to examine how ex-partners respond, which predicts the likelihood of rekindling.
Cope and Mattingly (ibid.) acknowledge that people define themselves in part, through their relationships.
This includes incorporating characteristics, perspectives, and even sometimes identities of their partners, which expands their own self-concept, leading to a state of cognitive interdependence.
This merging of the minds may result in a higher level of intimacy, closeness, and overall relationship quality, as well as self-concept clarity.
Yet Cope and Mattingly (supra) recognize one potential risk with high levels of identity integration as the loss of identity upon dissolution.
Post-breakup self-concept confusion is associated with emotional distress, and low self-concept clarity can lead to depression, which can motivate attempts at reconciliation.
The ways in which couples experience attachment is important also.
Cope and Mattingly (supra) define attachment style as the pattern of behaviors, emotions, and expectations people have of self and others.
In their two studies, they found that rekindling was predicted by attachment anxiety, described as a negative self-view and hypervigilance to things that can threaten their relationship.
They explain that ex-partners who are anxiously attached may attempt to overcome damaged post-break up self-concept by getting back together.
Relationship Restoration Is Not Forever
Regarding the long-term success of re-established relationships, Cope and Mattingly (supra) acknowledge that rekindling romantic fire does not ensure that it will keep burning.
They acknowledge that successful reconciliation may temporarily alleviate self-concept confusion but does not always lead to permanent affective and cognitive benefits.
This is partially because relational quality decreases with each reconciliation, casting doubt upon the adaptability of rekindling. Cope and Mattingly (supra) also note that reconciliation may not always restore self-concept clarity, which could prolong uncertainty and distress.
Accordingly, they acknowledge what many on-again off-again couples have experienced personally: rekindled relationships are lower quality than initial relationships, and more likely to dissolve.
Fortunately, there are methods of addressing relational challenges short of dissolution.
So before throwing in the shared towel, consider potential predictions about whether dissolution is permanent.
For couples currently experiencing difficult times, help is available.
The preceding article was originally published in Psychology Today, and is used with the permission of its author.
Wendy L. Patrick, JD, MDiv, Ph.D., is an award-winning career trial attorney and media commentator. She is host of "Live with Dr. Wendy" on KCBQ, and a daily guest on other media outlets, delivering a lively mix of flash, substance, and style. Read Dr. Wendy L. Patrick's Reports — More Here.
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