How do you get your spouse to start talking, open up, communicate?

Many couples find that after they’ve lived together for some years they feel they have little to talk about or share. It’s not that they don’t want to talk to each other. They just don’t know how to start the ball rolling or they’re out of practice.

Here are a few suggestions to get those lines of communication flowing:

When your partner says something, come back with a comment that indicates you’ve heard him and you support his thinking.

For example, if he says, “This would be a great day for golf,” you might respond with, “Yes, it’s beautiful out.” If he says, “I think I need to get some mulch for the flower beds,” you might say, “That sounds good. Do you want any help?”

If your spouse starts talking about a particular issue or problem, stop what you’re doing, look at him, and listen. Nod. Make comments such as, “Oh… that’s great… how terrible… unbelievable.” Also make “reflective listening” remarks that show you are listening and trying to understand. “Sounds as though you were feeling overwhelmed.” “I guess you were really disappointed.”

Instead of hitting your mate day in and day out with that tired old question, “How was your day?” say, “Tell me what you did today.” Or ask about something specific you know was on their agenda for the day. It’s likely you’ll get much more information with the second tactic.

When trying to reopen lines of communication, be extra careful not to be critical, or move into a problem-solving mode, or take over the conversation. These responses will usually stop the discussion. I find that most people will talk if they feel supported.

Be aware, too, of what topics of conversation you bring to the table. If your topics are generally about housekeeping and scheduling issues such as what bills need to be paid or who is going to take Tommy to swim practice, you’re not adding to the quality of your conversations.

Topics you might discuss include an article you read in a magazine or a podcast you've listened to recently. You might also share the story line of a book you’re reading. When I’m busy writing a book, I have few spare moments to read. During these times my husband will tell me about the novel he’s currently reading.

Be conscious also of how much self-disclosing you do. Do you share with your partner when something goes wrong on the job? Do you tell her when something exciting happens? Sharing the little pleasures and sadnesses of your life invites your partner to do the same.

Another thing to be aware of is where and when might you have your best conversations. Some couples talk over that second cup of coffee or after dinner. Others do better when they walk together. Some save their talk time for when they’re in bed. I know one couple who telephones each other several times a day to share bits and pieces of their lives. Try to establish several times and places for talking.

With determination and effort, you can reopen those lines of communication in less than two weeks. This mutual openness will make your marriage stronger, more interesting and fun.

Check out Doris’ books, “The Boy Whose Idea Could Feed the World,” “The Parent Teacher Discussion Guide,“ and “Thin Becomes You” at Doris’ web page: http://www.doriswildhelmering.com. If you have enjoyed reading this column, subscribe to Doris’ blog and receive it directly into your inbox each week.