When New Love Feels Unsettling. Yes, Even Desire Can Be Disconcerting

You are dating someone new.

He is handsome, charming, and successful.

Your friends and family describe him as "too good to be true," and given the way you feel when you are with him, you believe they're right — literally.

Instead of looking forward to the next date with excitement, you feel nervous.

When you are together, instead of feeling contented, you feel cautious and uneasy.

What is the explanation?

The answer has to do with the fact that you're more perceptive than you think, but often make preliminary judgments based on inaccurate perceptions.

When Love Is 'Blind at First Sight'

Lauren Gazzard Kerr et al. (in 2020) investigated the role of distinctive accuracy on positive impressions of potential paramours.

They define distinctive accuracy as the extent that personality impressions reveal unique characteristics, which often predicts positive social contact, including the experience of liking and relationship satisfaction.

They examined how distinctive accuracy operates on first dates and impacts romantic interest using two speed-dating samples.

They found that positive impressions were strongly linked with greater romantic interest, but distinctively accurate impressions were associated with less romantic interest.

This effect was stronger for potential partners with less romantically appealing personalities, such as individuals scoring lower in extraversion.

Tempering Inaccurate First Impressions with the Gift of Intuition

First impressions are often made on readily observable physical and situational characteristics. Once we begin to learn about somebody’s background, from values to vocation, our impression is expanded even more.

Yet one of the best ways to perceive what someone is really like is to pay attention to more than appearance or occupation, but to notice the way you feel when you are together.

Warm, loving feelings usually indicate feeling comfortable and content. Feeling nervous reveals discontent.

When a new love interest makes you feel unsettled, here are some ways to figure out whether you are just being cautious or are appropriately concerned.

Feeling Better Together

Some paramours feel like a perfect fit.

You complement each other, and your partnership projects team spirit as a united front.

When you are together, you feel comfortable, contented, and complete.

You feel a sense of loss when you think about a future without your partner.

You're comfortable attending events and social gatherings together and find yourself accepting invitations asking if you can bring a plus one.

Victim or Victor?

Poisonous personalities play the victim.

Manipulating you to feel bad about something you did, holding grudges, or reminding you of past wrongs that you already apologized for are behaviors toxic to your relationship.

If a paramour playing the victim makes you the villain — select an alternate ending and head for the door.

Healthy partners make you feel good, not guilty.

Bringing Out the Best in You

The best type of partner brings out your best self.

Friends and family are delighted at the transformation, remarking that your significant other boots your confidence, has brought you out of your shell, or otherwise has inspired you to live your best life.

On the flip side, if you are spending time with someone who brings out the worst in you, fasten your seatbelt because you are in for a turbulent relationship.

Focus on First Impression Feelings

First impressions reveal lasting relationship characteristics, if you prioritize accurate perception. You don’t get a second chance to make a great first impression, you also don’t get a second chance to perceive one.

Make that first date count by focusing not only on a pretty face, fame, fortune, or flattery, but feelings — yours.

This article was originally published in Psychology Today, and is used with the permission of its author.

Wendy L. Patrick, JD, MDiv, Ph.D., is an award-winning career trial attorney and media commentator. She is host of "Live with Dr. Wendy" on KCBQ, and a daily guest on other media outlets, delivering a lively mix of flash, substance, and style. Read Dr. Wendy L. Patrick's Reports — More Here.