Language Can De-escalate Conflict, Build Connection
We've all been there: deciding what to say in an emotional situation to comfort, appease, satisfy, or otherwise address interpersonal conflict.
Researchers have studied verbal de-escalation in a variety of settings, from mental health to law enforcement to customer service, and arrived at some strategies for success that can assist a wider population both personally and professionally.
Empathy, Authenticity, and Accommodation
Margot van Mulken (2024) explored what types of verbal de-escalation techniques are successful when used by webcare employees who successfully satisfied complainants online.
She identified 13 linguistic and rhetorical features that helped to facilitate de-escalation grouped into three categories that helped to appease a complainant: empathy, authenticity, and verbal accommodation.
Van Mulken defines empathy as including expressions of gratitude, as well as positive evaluations and expressions of sympathy that transmit an attitude of building rapport.
She notes that responding with empathy involves a willingness to view a situation from another person's perspective as well as communicating the ability to identify the feelings the other person has expressed, as well as why.
In this fashion, the webcare employees in her study were able to express warmth and compassion with the situation faced by customers, from the customer perspective.
Authenticity emphasizes responding in a fashion that is humane, not automated, which increases the perceived credibility and trustworthiness of the respondent.
Van Mulken (ibid.)explained that when employees carefully craft responses in a fashion that avoids routine and scripted dialog, complainants are more receptive to the answer.
The perception of tailor-made responses allows authenticity to signal responder sincerity, which may help disarm the recipient.
Van Mulken identifies accommodation as a third dimension that emphasizes the closeness of the employee to the customer.
Overcoming physical and social distance may be accomplished through accommodation features such as emphasizing common ground, stimulating dialogue, and encouraging further contact, techniques that prolong interaction and build relationships.
Van Mulken notes that verbally emphasizing proximity allows employees to downplay the severity of the offense and suggest that the employee and customer are on equal footing.
Diffusing Differences Through Dialog
Van Mulken notes that the techniques she identified in her research may be useful to diffuse arguments in domains other than webcare.
As a practical matter, knowing how to de-escalate a situation can be of benefit in a variety of situations. Clearly, no one should endure threatening behavior or verbal abuse.
But because conflict is inevitable within many types of relationships, here are a few ways to use de-escalation words in different settings and situations.
Listen First: In contrast to the automated, often off-topic speech many of us suffer through when calling helplines, a focus on listening first affords dissatisfied persons a receptive audience.
When someone has expressed the issue their way, using their words, a listener can use the same language to convey they heard the speaker’s concerns, and are better able to formulate a productive solution.
Personalized Responding: Allowing an angry person to talk uninterrupted not only demonstrates a willingness to listen but affords an opportunity to select a response that addresses the emotion behind the message.
Because people can be wounded through both words and behavior, formulating a response tailored to the grievance expressed facilitates a personalized solution.
Cooling Down the Hot Seat: In the same way that fire is extinguished for lack of kindling, flaring tempers fade when there is nothing to fan the flame.
Lowering the temperature through active listening followed by positive, productive words signals both understanding and a willingness to assist.
Through a combination of active listening and linguistics, individuals can de-escalate and diffuse challenging conversations and redirect someone to a proposed resolution through relationship building and rapport.
This article was originally published in Psychology Today and is used with permission of the author.
Wendy L. Patrick, JD, MDiv, Ph.D., is an award-winning career trial attorney and media commentator. She is host of "Live with Dr. Wendy" on KCBQ, and a daily guest on other media outlets, delivering a lively mix of flash, substance, and style. Read Dr. Wendy L. Patrick's Reports — More Here.
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